Monthly Archives: November 2012

http://www.petralearning.com/The-New-You.html?entry=stop-think-and-refrain-filter

Posted on by
Reply
Life and death is in the power of the tongue, or in today’s environment, an email or a text. Man’s struggle with the tongue is as old as mankind. Years of building trust and pouring into a relationship can be ruined with just a few careless words. Unfortunately, in today’s virtual world, transmissions of emotional-laden messages can happen with a seemingly innocuous push of a button. While it may have only taken you seconds to push that button, you may spend a lifetime wishing that you had not. So, as we continue to look at communication missteps, we’ll tackle one that has grown nearer and dearer to my heart over these past three months – a lack of self-control. As I traversed the political landscape of an extremely contentious presidential campaign and read the social media postings, I often thought – “will these people be able to emerge as friends after the election is over.” I wondered whether the person had really read the comment before they posted it and if they did read it, how could they possibly conclude that it would motivate or inspire anyone to change their opinion. I have yet to meet a person that is influenced by trash talking, name calling, or personal attacks. I mean think about it, does your spouse score any brownie points with you by calling you lazy and uncaring because you won’t take out the trash? I don’t think so. Even if you capitulate, you do it in resentment and that will ultimately manifest itself in another way. These tactics have never worked. So why do we continue?
IT’S EASY – WE’RE STUPID. No, just kidding, we are not stupid and we are not idiots. Those are two words that should be banned from the human language. Yes, we make unwise decisions sometimes. But it’s not because we’re stupid, it’s because we are lacking in self-discipline. We’ve been conditioned for instant gratification and have forgotten what it means to “sacrifice”. So, we say what we want to say when we want to say it without any regard to the consequences. If people are offended, we tell them not to be so sensitive and pat ourselves on the back for exercising our right to free speech. Until, until – we are on the receiving end of an offending message. And then, we want the world to stop and console our hurt feelings, our bruised egos, and our broken trust. How could they say such a thing about me? How could they be some thoughtless as to accuse me of stonewalling? Don’t they know how hard I work and how little I’m paid? Do they know all the sacrifices I’ve made and continue to make so that they can have the benefits that they do have and they want more? It amazes me how the very same message that we have no problem sending; we have an incredibly difficult problem accepting. My mother use to tell me, if you can’t stand the heat then get out of the kitchen. I think communications work the same way. If you want people to communicate with you in a respectful manner, then you need to model that behavior. You need to model it even when they are not. Nothing, and I mean nothing, irritates a person more and causes them to realize the irrationality of their message than a pleasant response. A gentle answer turns away wrath.
So how do you respond respectfully when everything in you wants to just light into the person and give them what they deserve? For me, I found that altering my perspective is essential. I ask myself, how would this read if it was on the front-page of the Wall Street Journal (or the Columbus Dispatch) and my closest family and friends were going to read it? Would I be proud of it or would I gasp in horror? I also wonder, how would I react if I received this message from another coworker or peer? What would I think about the person sending it? What judgments would I make about their character and is that what I want people to think about me? And lastly, I wonder whether the message would help or hinder the accomplishment of the objectives. I never want to lose sight of my end goals, which hopefully, for most of you includes healthy relationships. Healthy relationships will not happen with careless, unfiltered communications. We are responsible for the words that come out of our mouth even if they come out in a fit of anger. And sometimes, just saying I’m sorry will not undo the damage that has been done. So please, stop, think, and refrain before hitting that button. You can comment on this blog or go to Petra’s Facebook page at (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Petra-Learning-LLC/120474568065099). Join the conversation. And stay tuned to our next communication blog focused on tunnel vision.